For the past couple of months I gave up.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but I got so sick of fighting my constant internal war as a schizophrenic that I let the voices be my thoughts. I questioned what they said too deeply and came to false realizations that led me down a rabbit hole of insecurities, paranoia, and delusions. It’s effected how I see myself. It had effected my relationships. It’s infected my mind. And now I find myself climbing out of a hole I swore I wouldn’t fall into again.
I’ll explain a bit more for those who aren’t schizophrenic or ever been effected by hallucinations: my main plague is auditory hallucinations. I hear voices that either talk to me like someone else is there or convince me that they are apart of my thought train. These voices are ones that for a long time I’d fight against. Every single day. It was a daunting daily task and I’d welcome sleep because it was my only break. In order to fight the voices I’d have to actively use my own inner voice to disprove with logic and dismiss with my beliefs. It’s one of the reasons I stopped taking my prescribed medicine. It made the voices I hear quieter, not silent. It made my own voice so silent I could barely hear it to the point of not at all. And with no voice to fight the hallucinations could manipulate my mind like silent assassins. I need my voice.
Well the past few months were similar to the time I was on my medicine…except the hallucinations were not silent assassins. The voices were loud proud and in charge…and I let them be. I guess I just got tired of fighting constantly, constantly, constantly. I got tired of staring into space. I got tired of sharing the craziness with my boyfriend. I grew scared to see his face when saying these things and worried he’d think them to be my true thought. So I wouldn’t say anything. Not out loud. And not inside. I reverted to the unhealthy mental lifestyle I led that drove me to disturbed reality over a year ago. And I almost got pulled back.
It was as if I was looking at myself for the first time in a long time and realizing I am not me. I am what the voices have been telling me. Like I previously stated, they’d bring up an old insecurity or fear and instead of fighting I’d just say “whatever” or ignore it all together. I forgot what you think is what you display and even though I wasn’t the one thinking it, this is what I’d hear. The information I would receive. I saw this and I hurt inside. When did I stop fighting? When did I start letting these hallucinations shape my reality? When did I fall? I can’t pinpoint it, but I know I’m not falling anymore.
You see with the insecurities and fear plaguing my mind during the day sleep was no longer this sweet escape it grew to be. Sleep was starting to be something I’d dread…AGAIN. I’m getting so annoyed with the situation just typing it because I don’t like going in circles. Especially when the bottom of this circle is a mental hell for me. Back to the point: sleep would just display all those fears and insecurities as a motion picture. There was no escape. No rest. No break. And I began to hear the voices of suicide again. Sad to say, but that’s what woke me up. Because I know me and I know I never want to kill myself. A decision I made long ago. My hallucinations brought me to the very edge and tried to push me over AGAIN, but I woke up.
And I have to stay awake and fight my battles or I’ll never get good sleep.
So with that I get to the title of this blog. I can’t just wake up one day and with all this memory flooding back into my mind everything just *poof* disappears. No I have to climb back out of the hole. Day after day. And that means leaving my dreams of insecurity, paranoia, and fear on my pillow. That means waking up and actively choosing not to remember my dreams. A task that is hard for me since I’ve grown fond of lucid dreaming and that requires remembering dreams. I just feel like I’m starting over again. It sucks.
But there is light at the top of this hole. And when I’ve got my two feet planted firm in reality again I’ll be stronger than ever. Watch out, here I come.
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